Taurus: Buy a one way ticket. Pack your bags. Get to the airport. Realize you have a whole bottle of tequila. Can’t take it on the plane. Chug it. Black out. Get arrested. You’re on vacation now.

At the park and heard a husband tell his wife “we have Starbucks at home” after she asked to go so I slipped her my divorce attorney’s card.

Quick questions for restaurants advertising free dessert for moms on Mother’s Day… do I have to bring my kid or will my c-section scar suffice?

Cult leader: we have to sacrifice a virgin before the new moon

*everyone looking at me wearing my Batman shirt

Me: what?

My kid made a Mother's Day gift for me at school but it's a secret, so all he can tell me is that it's a box and jewelry can go in it

Disrespect me and you disrespect the worm in my brain.

Shout out to the mom who signed up for napkins within seconds of the class end-of-year party list going live

Just thinking if I’d been a teen mom my kids would have moved out by now

I rolled my eyes so hard I gave myself a concussion

I get that I should be advertising my craft show stuff…. but did this vendor purposely put Ohio state stuff between the C and the UofM?? 🧐

“Hoe era” I whisper to myself as I get out my gardening tools

My daughter told me I was embarrassing her and I told her to stop being so cringe and bougie and just let me just flex.

Singing to my kids as we rush out the door in my best Justin Timberlake voice 𝘸𝘦’𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘣𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 and it’s like they don’t even appreciate the arts

I’ll leave you with a lasting impression, but it’s just of Chewbacca

Is this the real Winnie the Pooh?

my laugh isn’t the best thing about me but it’s pretty close

There's nothing quite so disappointing as something you have been dreading and procrastinating being actually kinda easy and taking three minutes

Binge watching life pass me by

my source?? female intuition

Instead of women being ecstatic in pregnant test commercials, I think it would be funnier to have a woman absolutely destroying her house with a baseball bat after finding out she is pregnant.