'This story element is pretty rigid. It must be a family-owned restaurant, and there has to be a child who grows up there. Include one scene in which the child delivers food to a table and another in which the child does their homework behind the counter.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-pub…

'Log on to your housing portal and click the button marked 'Express Checkout.' This will immediately cut the power to your room and disable your key.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/end-o…

Q: Could the snake kill me?

A: That almost never happens. But if you’re worried, just make sure that you write a good thesis.
mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq-t…

- Scrubby thing stuck to faucet

- Needs towel that is hanging approximately fifteen inches away

- Itchy kneecaps require lotion
mcsweeneys.net/articles/reaso…

11. Bubble bath.

12. Watch The English Patient on the couch under a blanket.

13. Excuse self and check on Father. Wake him with smelling salts and rip his pinky’s fingernail off.
mcsweeneys.net/articles/sigmu…

'We had a couple of beautiful days this week. Tuesday was one of them.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/hemin…

'The choices a mother makes regarding her children are open to social commentary, even if the commentator’s exposure to children is limited to having seen three-and-a-half episodes of Full House.' mcsweeneys.net/articles/barel…

'Honestly, how hard is it to be perfect in a precise, calibrated way designed to be 100% infallible without ever being exhausted, needing a break, or losing your cool for a single second from the time your children are born until each one goes to college?'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/being…

'I don’t know why I’ve woken up in this Costco. The last thing I remember is breaking up a ninth consecutive fight over Duck Tales, and suddenly, I was floating over my own body, looking at the breakfast they brought me spilled all over my bed.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-mo…

The cake one is 10/10 no notes

VOICEMAIL: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”

URGENCY: Something definitely is gravely wrong.
mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-u…

MOTHER
MOTHER
MOTHER
MOTHER

(Anger that other siblings knew about your plans and location.)

#HappyMothersDay
mcsweeneys.net/articles/decip…

'I want to blame her, but I know it’s my own damn fault. I never included expiration dates.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/oh-cr…

'Pearl Jam: You’ve spent an inordinate amount of time on your town’s Facebook page complaining about how your favorite restaurant raised its credit card fees.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/what-…

'Sunday is Wednesday (except Wednesday now lasts three weeks and involves picking up vomit).'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/days-…

'It’s hunting time, and I’m a hungry chickadee. I’m going to warble the hell out of this yard. Did you know sound travels twenty times faster at dawn? That means it’s going to pass right through your skull into the meat.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/wake-…

#HappyMothersDay

mom
mom
mom
mom
mom
mom
mom
mom
MOM

(Curiosity after she checks your location and notices you are not at home or work. Usually followed by texts in the family group chat asking other siblings if they have heard from you.)
mcsweeneys.net/articles/decip…

'It will start small, an Art Deco costume necklace here, a decorative brooch there. Eventually, bills will start to turn up for vintage hats and other millinery. You must be prepared to intervene long before she advances to tiaras.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/signs…

BILLY JOEL: Thank you, that’s called “Piano Man.” Now this next song—

JOHN, AT THE BAR: Whoa, hold on a second. What the hell was that?
mcsweeneys.net/articles/billy…